I don't really have to even think about going back to school until Jan 2. That's the day I go to the college, get all the info, including my timetable. That's 16 days away. So why am I sweating it. I'm taking low risk (basically high school General level) courses, English (always my favourite), Computer Applications (should be a breeze), and Math (something I was always competent in). So why is my anxiety making me feel like I'm going to have another heart attack.
I am scared. I have no reason to be, but that's anxiety isn't it. An unreasoning fear, nebulous as far as cause. I literally am doing 3 classes, that I should be VERY confident in my ability to do the work. But being able to do the work was NEVER really my problem, was it? My problem always resided in my inability to turn in my work once completed. My issue was in being marked. My issue was in completing homework that I thought was 'beneath' me...
See, I had a problem growing up. And that problem was 'potential', everyone saw it... I was reading prices, and doing price comparisons in grocery stores at 3 years old. I first read The Hobbit as a 10 yr old. By 12 I was reading The Lord of the Rings, and having very adult discussions on character arcs and the military strategy of all sides. I was obsessed with maps. Planning battles, then planning surprise attacks, then civilian attacks. I was reading history books, and breaking down the mindset of the greatest generals of all time. I was, for lack of a better term, smart. My interests were robust, I had a healthy imagination, I told myself stories, and around 8 yrs old (at a summer camp) started playing D&D with my cabin mates. Within a week I was running the games for them. Dungeon-mastering my ass off.
I would pull from anything I'd read, sci-fi, historical biographies, medieval weapon books, military strategy books, but the 'game changer' for me was a little cyberpunk novel named Neuromancer. All of a sudden my D&D sessions took on a way more psychedelic feel. I started inserting 'living magical computational organisms' LMCOs, robots became a staple. Kingdoms that had enjoyed a long stretch of peace created magical constructs that could think, and fight, for themselves. I was creating things on a level not many of my players could deal with. So I started friendships with older players. My creativity flourished creating living, vibrant works for my older friends. And everyone said I had 'such potential', teachers, parents, adults who barely knew me, knew I had 'potential' and would often tell me that.
So like many kids who are told how clever they are, I became alienated from my peers. Choosing to spend all my time with older teens, and adults. I had maybe 3 good childhood friends. I think they were the only kids who could really stand me. I was difficult, and things had to be a certain way. Thinking back, I'm not surprised that I developed mental health issues later in life, but maybe they were always there. Maybe they were the REASON I was so difficult for the kids around me to deal with.
So... Why am I scared. Because I know how smart I am. And at 43 I've had a lifetime of failure to inform me, being smart isn't everything... Hell, realistically, it's not ANYTHING. Lots of smart people fail, lots of dumb people succeed. There isn't really much rhyme or reason to life, and the sooner we accept that the better off we will all be. The truth of my life has been, nothing matters as long as you can find your happiness.
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