New Year... New Me...

Nah... That's horseshit... I won't be new anything. Unless Depression, and Anxiety just decides to fly the coop at midnight, I'll be mostly the same. I am trying a more positive outlook, and pushing myself harder than I ever have before.

School starts in 7 days... Orientation is in 2... I'm scared, and jittery, but that's good... Right? It means I'm doing something out of my comfort zone. And that's what this is all about. Pushing against the boundaries of what I can do, and see if we can set some new boundaries.

As for tonight. New Year's Eve... CoriMonster's and my 5th NYE together. Seems like both millions, and the first, at the same time. Weird... lol.

Shrimp rings are defrosting on the dining room table, the sandwich platter with olives is in the fridge with the fruit tray, champagne is chilling, and 40 Creek Cream Liquor is as well, Chocolate Milk is getting cold as well. Everything should be good for after hockey tonight, probably lie in bed and watch some Netflix until midnight, then we'll get our calls from Cori's mom, and sister, and I'll get texts from assorted friends. We'll toast the new year, with an eye on moving forward.

Another year in the books.

2018 was not a great year. It was frustration, and set backs. But... We're still here... Still plugging away at stuff, still pushing forward.

Christmas 2018

So, this was a pretty good year. Christmas was good.

I got my BratMonster
Catana Comics book
Sarah Scribbles book
Faith and the Future Force graphic novel
Fantastic Beasts 2 screenplay
A Vanity mirror with LED lights
2 copies of Harry Potter Trivial Pursuit
and a Lava Lamp

She got me the stuff I asked for
5 nerdy t-shirts
Bluetooth, Qi Charging, alarm clock
and best of all. A power drill.

So... a good year...

Christmas Eve 2018

Not going to lie. Given my upbringing (such as it was) I really don't enjoy Christmas. Part of that is also my anxiety and depression, I'm sure. I like giving gifts, and watching them be opened. But, honestly, receiving gifts is hard for me. I never know how to not awkwardly accept them. Is that weird?

Going through some hockey withdrawal. OHL starts up again Dec 28, and our next home game is Dec 31, Cori's and my 5th New Year's Eve together. Seems both forever ago, and just yesterday.

Getting ready to go spend the evening with family. It's not really my jam, but Cori loves it. She doesn't get to see her dad anywhere near enough. Not 100% my fault, but I would bet that I am part of it. Tomorrow is Cori's mom's side of the family. I'm going to be drained to the point it will take a couple of days before I'm back to 100%. Better be ready and energized by Jan 2. School orientation, and I need to be alive and well for it. School itself actually starts Jan 7. Yikes.

Informal journaling is kind of weird. But it is what it is...

Anxiety is a bitch...

I don't really have to even think about going back to school until Jan 2. That's the day I go to the college, get all the info, including my timetable. That's 16 days away. So why am I sweating it. I'm taking low risk (basically high school General level) courses, English (always my favourite), Computer Applications (should be a breeze), and Math (something I was always competent in). So why is my anxiety making me feel like I'm going to have another heart attack.

I am scared. I have no reason to be, but that's anxiety isn't it. An unreasoning fear, nebulous as far as cause. I literally am doing 3 classes, that I should be VERY confident in my ability to do the work. But being able to do the work was NEVER really my problem, was it? My problem always resided in my inability to turn in my work once completed. My issue was in being marked. My issue was in completing homework that I thought was 'beneath' me...

See, I had a problem growing up. And that problem was 'potential', everyone saw it... I was reading prices, and doing price comparisons in grocery stores at 3 years old. I first read The Hobbit as a 10 yr old. By 12 I was reading The Lord of the Rings, and having very adult discussions on character arcs and the military strategy of all sides. I was obsessed with maps. Planning battles, then planning surprise attacks, then civilian attacks. I was reading history books, and breaking down the mindset of the greatest generals of all time. I was, for lack of a better term, smart. My interests were robust, I had a healthy imagination, I told myself stories, and around 8 yrs old (at a summer camp) started playing D&D with my cabin mates. Within a week I was running the games for them. Dungeon-mastering my ass off.

I would pull from anything I'd read, sci-fi, historical biographies, medieval weapon books, military strategy books, but the 'game changer' for me was a little cyberpunk novel named Neuromancer. All of a sudden my D&D sessions took on a way more psychedelic feel. I started inserting 'living magical computational organisms' LMCOs, robots became a staple. Kingdoms that had enjoyed a long stretch of peace created magical constructs that could think, and fight, for themselves. I was creating things on a level not many of my players could deal with. So I started friendships with older players. My creativity flourished creating living, vibrant works for my older friends. And everyone said I had 'such potential', teachers, parents, adults who barely knew me, knew I had 'potential' and would often tell me that.

So like many kids who are told how clever they are, I became alienated from my peers. Choosing to spend all my time with older teens, and adults. I had maybe 3 good childhood friends. I think they were the only kids who could really stand me. I was difficult, and things had to be a certain way. Thinking back, I'm not surprised that I developed mental health issues later in life, but maybe they were always there. Maybe they were the REASON I was so difficult for the kids around me to deal with.

So... Why am I scared. Because I know how smart I am. And at 43 I've had a lifetime of failure to inform me, being smart isn't everything... Hell, realistically, it's not ANYTHING. Lots of smart people fail, lots of dumb people succeed. There isn't really much rhyme or reason to life, and the sooner we accept that the better off we will all be. The truth of my life has been, nothing matters as long as you can find your happiness.

You Know What I Mean?!?

So the thing I find myself saying, more than anything else to my friends, has been 'Just take a deep breath, and reset... then try again.'

What I'm telling them to do is to be 'mindful' and 'in the moment'. It may seem a silly, and small thing. But it's one of the hardest things to do. Especially for most of my friends, you see, we all have some mental health issues. Ranging from Depression, anxiety, boderline personality disorders, bipolar disorders, ocd, add, adhd, the list is pretty exhaustive. But the one thing almost all of us have in common is an inability to remember to just 'Be'.

Recently I've been pushing myself to make some changes. My depression, and anxiety are causing me some serious issues right now, but I feel I NEED to do SOMETHING. So I decided to take some Academic Upgrading, with an eye to getting into the Social Services Worker program at Niagara College. See, the thing is, at my age, with a wealth of experience, and lots of living, and empathy under my belt, I think I could do some serious good.

I know what it's like to come from a troubled home, to make some questionable decisions. I know what it is to be down, to be hurting, and feel like there is no one to help. I need to give back.

So I take a deep breath, reset... And get ready to try again...

 SW